Written by: Ivy Knight

Sometimes I wonder how I’ve gotten to this point in my life. I never felt good enough. I went through most of my childhood just trying to be seen, trying my hardest to be as perfect as I could be. Trying to be skinny enough or pretty enough or smart enough. No one ever told me that I was perfect just the way I was. I’ve gone through most of my adult questioning why? Why does he love me? Why do they like me? When are they going to realize that I suck and they’re better off without me, this world is better off without me? It took me a long time learn that in order for me to believe that other people loved me, I had to love myself. I had to understand that I’m good enough the way I am… that I’m worthy of being loved.

I’m not special in this. I’m sure that most of you feel or have felt the same way but I’m here to tell you that you are enough- just the way you are, every flaw, every scar, every mistake, every bad decision. All those things have made you the wonderful beautiful person you are now. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of peace, goodness, and happiness. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that You Are Worthy.

The You Are Worthy Sweatshirt is available now and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and The Crisis Text Line. 

Written by Ivy Knight

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

-Nelson Mandela

It was never meant to say Fearless. It’s Fear Less. Why? Let’s be honest, we all have fears. In fact, if you don’t have fears, are you really living? I’ve done a lot in my relatively young life. And I’ve done most of it while holding onto my fears. Fear of failure. Fear of never being good enough. Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of taking on too much.

Fear is a scary thing but it’s necessary. If we can learn to push past our fears while respecting them we will find ourselves liberated by them. Fear is our irrational mind telling us that whatever is going on isn’t a good thing. It’s an emergency warning. It has to do with your core beliefs and experiences… but I’m not going to get into that. You can refer to your therapist. We should think about our fears and decipher whether we are actually in danger. It’s like when you see a spider. Initial reaction: Scream! Run! Jump on a chair! Yell for the nearest person to come over and kill it. Our initial reaction is Fear. But when really think about it, should we really be that fearful of this small, coin-sized, creature that could care less about us and is just instinctively trying to build a house and eat. A creature we can literally destroy with the bottom of our shoe? Really? So instead of listening to those fears, we should reason with them and then start to eliminate the ones that don’t make sense. Fear Less.

I used to be scared to death of squatting heavy. I would get to a heavy set, lift it off the rack and if it felt heavy I would rerack because the thought of bringing it down and not being able to bring it back up was terrifyingly crippling to me. I was afraid that if I failed this rep I would… what? Die?? Did I really think I was going to die because I couldn’t bring it back up? (Could it happen? Maybe. But the odds are slim) I did! But when I stopped to think about all the variables I realized that I was being completely irrational. I have never failed a squat attempt at a meet, ever. It’s still something that terrifies me but at my last meet, I had one goal: Squat over 300 lbs. So here I was on my 3rd attempt. The number on the bar was 303lbs. I lifted it off and I felt my throat get dry and tight… this is heavy... I am going to fail… if it wasn’t for the over 6 feet tall, 380+lb giant standing behind me I may have even rationalized that I could actually die. But I had already had the discussion with myself that if I could get to this point, squatting this amount of weight, I would let Jesus take the wheel, so to speak. I stopped thinking and I went into auto pilot. If there’s anything I can do besides, telling a well-timed “that’s what she said” joke, it’s squat! Once my brain kicked back in, I felt my knee cave in slightly and heard a loud screech come from my belly! Then I heard, “rack”! I did it! Irrational fear and all I did it!

So instead of us being fearless, let’s just work on having less fears. When it comes to powerlifting, we should never fear that we will disappoint, or fail, or not be good or strong enough. We should respect the weight, learn the techniques and go for it because when you really break it down, what is there to fear?

Fear Less t-shirt available here http://bit.ly/GWPLFearLess 

(Team Iron Knight at the Europa Games)

This past weekend, at the 2018 IPL Inzer Europa Powerlifting Championships in Orlando, Florida was my first official time as a USPA State Referee. I had so many nerves leading up to it. By nature, I am more reserved and cautious but I’ve been really working on becoming more confident in not only my abilities but also my faults- meaning owning them, working on them but not apologizing for them because we don’t need to apologize for who we are but we should always be growing and getting better.

Not only was I judging my peers, I was asked to MC a few flights this weekend, on a dual platform meet. Nervous does not even cover how I felt about all of it. As I stood and fanned myself on Saturday morning waiting to find out when and where I would be stationed that day, the meet director and USPA Florida chairman, Richard Ficca (who I will be talking about a lot in the post because he’s become my powerlifting Yoda and Mr. Miyagi) looked at me and asked if I was ok. I told him I was fanning myself because I get hot when I’m nervous and he looked up from his computer and asked me two questions. He asked, “Do you believe, I trust you?” To which, I replied, “YES” in my loud, child-like high pitched voice, like a little league tee ball player responding to their coach/dad. Then he asked, “Do you believe that you worked hard to be here and you belong here?” I also replied yes to that question but I got a little teary-eyed because I realized how much I meant it. I have worked really hard to get to where I am. All too often in my life, I’ve felt like I was lost and just going where the wind took me, not really sure where I belonged but when it comes to powerlifting and GWPL I have learned to make sure moves, be adamant in my decisions and become confident in my place. That 3-minute pep talk was exactly what I needed to start my day. I sat in the refs' chair for 3 flights, helped with expediting and computers and MC 2-4 flights this weekend and even when I made a bad call in the head chair, I stood by my decision. I was rattled a bit and choked back some tears because of how the matter was initially handled (let’s just say not every referee is diplomatic) but again, Rich in his Yoda like way explained my error but also that it happens and all we can do it learn from our mistakes.

Being a head judge is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt as though I was literally had these lifter’s lives in my hands. I needed to make sure that I was calling the start and rack commands efficiently so as to not make them hold the amount of weight on their back for too long but also not too early so the other judges had enough time to fairly judge the lift. I was literally sweating from my palms. On top of all that trying not to get distracted by everything else, including some of my team members competing on the opposite platform and worrying whether or not my husband and my little brother were getting warmed up. It’s sooooo much to take in. Needless to say, when that flight was over, I was mentally exhausted and ready to be done with my referee responsibilities for the weekend, even though they weren’t and I still MC’d another flight.  I’m not gonna lie, I cried a bit due to high anxiety that needed to be released but I sucked it up in time to cheer on my crew! And they did so well!!!

The moral of this emotional roller coaster of a story is that we have to give back to this sport that we love. It’s a small world and a tight community but if we don’t continue to volunteer as referees and support staff at meets one day this sport that we all love will be not be able to survive. Get to know your local meet directors and offer your help. Sometimes, we as lifters can get so caught up in prepping for meet after meet that we forget that without those people we would have nothing to prep for or we’d have to travel long distances to be able to compete. Being behind the scenes of a powerlifting meet is a crazy, chaotic world and requires an army but I urge you to become a part of it because it will make you a better athlete.

I love doing meet recaps because it reminds me of the great times I had and all the things I need to do to grow from the mistakes that I made. This meet was no different. I had good moments and I learned so much.

Initially, I had no intention of doing this meet. I have a goal of becoming a USPA judge, so when I approached the Florida Chairman he told me I needed to have more “platform experience”. At first, I’ll be honest, I was annoyed. We go to at least 5 meets a year. Most of which we sponsor and host a booth. But than when I thought about it, that means that I don’t actually have PLATFORM experience… I have spectator and sponsor experience LOL. So he suggested that I volunteer or compete at the next few meets. Which I did. I volunteered and shadowed judges at a meet in August, which was really awesome and if you have the opportunity to do so, I would highly recommend it. It changes the way you see lifts. Then I decided to compete in this meet. I competed last year and had a ton of fun. Went 9 for 9 and PR’d all my lifts, by a few pounds. I called this time a YOLO meet. I figured it didn’t actually matter what I did, as long as I had the platform experience that I initially desired.

It was time to ask my favorite coach, my husband, to do a program and peak me. I casually told him I wanted to compete in November and, as such, I would need him to start working on my program. (He’s always done my programming, but I recently started doing my own bc I wasn’t very consistent and I had other goals, non-powerlifting, goals that were taking priority, so we joke that I fired my coach.) He looked at me from across the table and very firmly said, “If I program you, you have to show up! You have to be consistent and you have to take it seriously because I have other paying clients and I don’t have time to do this if you’re not going to take it seriously.” This may sound harsh, but after 11 years of marriage, we are well aware of our different relationships. We are husband and wife, friends, business partners and coach and athlete. I knew right there, he was being my coach. Since opening the gym, my husband has acquired a few clients that he does programs for. He is incredibly dedicated and in my opinion, he’s found his calling and is really good at it.

I’m proud to say, that talk was exactly what I needed. I took the next 9 weeks and put the work in. I showed up to every training day, did every accessory, gave him feedback in notes like everyone else would. I didn’t whine, I didn’t complain and I didn’t use his role as my husband against him. In the gym, he was my coach and he pushed me like he would every other client. He was tough when I needed him to be and he was understanding and compassionate when I needed that too. I worked my butt off every day and it paid off. I was hitting gym PR’s and touching weights and reps that I had never done before. It felt incredible. On top of all that, a new member of our gym asked if Corey would program her. After working with her once or twice, he asked if she wanted to do a meet and she said she did! So he manipulated both of us into training together. It was so smart on his part. We worked together and pushed each other. We’re both very competitive so every time she hit a solid number, I wanted to do it and vice versa. It’s been such a pleasure to train with someone again. Every time I taught her something, it reminded of how far I’ve come and gave me confidence.

9 weeks later and the meet was here! Our gym had 7 members in this meet and 4 of them were competing for the first time! It was so great to see them put the work in and be excited! I knew that I wanted a 300 lb squat. Of course, I wanted to PR my other lifts and go 9 for 9 but I really wanted a 300 lb squat! I went 3 for 3 on squats and ended with 303 lb squat lifetime PR! It was awesome!! I was so elated I cried and my friend, Melissa and I hugged and cried! I achieved my ultimate goal of the meet! What I didn’t realize was that lift zapped me. I was exhausted! I went 2 for 3 on bench. My previous PR was 154 lbs so I went for 159.6 on my third attempt and it stapled me. I also went 2 for 3 of deadlift. I matched my previous PR of 275 lbs and decided to let Corey pick my last attempt. Through lack of communication on my part, he went for 303 lbs but I just didn’t have it. I knew that I didn’t and I probably would have chosen a lighter attempt just to make sure I got the lift but I didn’t tell him that. I was exhausted from my adrenaline going up and down all day, not enough food and no pre-workout or caffeine. I never needed those things in the past because I was sandbagging. My attempts were low and conservative and I perform better on the platform than I do in the gym but I wasn’t pushing myself enough.

This meet was so different for me. I know that I usually perform well at meets despite how my training goes. Last meet I did, I essentially winged it. I barely trained, I got injured, sick and went on a 10-day vacation beforehand and still hit some PRs. But there’s something to be said about knowing that I could do well regardless of my training and still putting the work in. It gave me confidence and pride stepping onto the platform. My openers were solid numbers, I didn’t sandbag or sell myself short. I had attainable goals but I would have to put some work in to achieve them.

Overall, I’m happy with my performance. I left it on the platform and I watched my friends and teammates do amazing! It was a pleasure to see them grow in this sport and it was an honor to share the platform with them. More so, I’m proud of myself for putting in the work. It’s easy to say, “I’m just too busy” but when you make it a priority you can make anything work! My life didn’t change. I still had to work and take care of my house and have a social life but my mindset changed. This meet was a priority and I couldn’t let myself down. I figure, if I can work this hard for 9 weeks and get a 300 lb squat, I can do anything for 9 weeks and see results!  So I urge all of you reading this, if you sign up for a meet, put the work in and take it seriously. It's so much more rewarding when you win with honor. 

I also learned that a good training environment is beneficial. I don’t think that I would’ve trained as hard without my training partner and the rest of the team. We all came together, cheered each other on for great lifts and supported each other when things got tough. I’ve never had a better team! If you are need of that environment, find a powerlifting gym. They are the people that support the sport we love! I’m excited to see what the future hold for me! I may not be the leanest, the strongest or the best by any means but I love it nonetheless and I will be old and gray before I stop supporting it.  

If anyone had anything bad to say about their experience at this years Jenn Rotsinger Women’s Empowerment Weekend, it’s 100% on them. Even if you had a bad meet performance, just being at The Jenn, named after one of the most genuine people that I’ve ever met, one the most fiercest athletes I have ever watched and a real inspiration for women in powerlifting, was more incredible and uplifting than anything I’ve ever experienced. I went last year and had butterflies in my belly from how truly awesome it was to be there and this year did not disappoint. Although, I did.

I signed up for the meet while simultaneously, asking for sponsorship information because how could I not support an all women’s meet to the fullest extent. However, I have this ever increasing battle within me between athlete and business owner. Similar to many of you who are parents or have time consuming and high stress jobs. Corey, my husband, and I are both entrepreneurs.  We both run Girls Who Powerlift and our new gym, Iron Knight. Since January alone, we signed the lease for a warehouse space where our gym is, and then signed a lease to the space next door, when it became available to set up warehouse and office space for GWPL. As much as we love what we do and love this sport, business ownership of any kind is incredibly stressful. We are devoted to our followers and customers and to our members. On top of it all, prior to finding the space for the gym, which took longer than we anticipated, we thought that we should finally treat ourselves to a vacation. So we booked a 10 day trip overseas.

As we got closer and closer to starting meet prep, I started to develop an impingement in my shoulder, which was actually from working and not from training. I got it treated as soon as possible in hopes that it would heal in time, which it did provided that I did the recommended stretching several times a day. I really try my best to heed the advice of professionals, but this type of treatment meant that if I missed a day or so of stretching and then tried to bench or squat, I was in pain for a day or so.

Training was not going well and then we went away for vacation. I was basically training once or twice a week and my lifts were feeling like boulders on my shoulders. I felt weak and exhausted all the time. I almost dropped out of this meet several times but it was a meet dedicated to women, I HAD to support it. My heart was in it but my head was not. To make matters worse, I had to go alone, without my person, my better half, the only person that can almost literally read my mind. Corey had to stay to make sure the gym was safe and stay home with my 9 month old handful of a puppy. The idea of doing this meet was becoming more and more daunting. Thankfully I have friends that love me and are willing to put aside their precious time to help me.

So we packed and got on the road. I told myself prior not to expect anything great. You’re only there to support the meaning behind The Jenn, empowerment. Corey, also my coach, told me to treat it like any other day in the gym. I trained well and consistently for about a week and half, didn’t peak, didn’t deload but my head was still in a weird place. I was ready to give it all up because it was too hard. I didn’t want to be laughed it. The passed 2 meets I competed in, the announcer always introduced me to the platform by saying the owner of Girls Who Powerlift. I was starting to feel like a joke. How can I represent GWPL followers with low numbers and at the highest weight I have ever been in my life? These questions and the feeling of doubt were rolling around in my head. I thought about what I would tell myself if someone were to send me a dm with these same feelings, but that wasn’t working either.

On Sunday, June 25, 2017 I put my singlet on and when I walked into that room hesitantly for rules and a girl that I stood next to asked me if I thought she should wear her squat shoes to get her rack height and I told her yes. She told me it was her first meet and she was really nervous. I told her, “just remember to listen to the commands and to have fun!” I’m not sure if I was talking to her or myself but a sense of calmness came over me and I realized that I started this because it was fun. I loved the feeling of being strong and being under the barbell. I love doing meets. Despite the fact that I hadn’t trained properly or peaked at all, I was here and I was determined to have fun! I was conservative, as usual, with my openers and although this was “just another day at the gym” it was one of those days that I was gonna see what I was really made, so my handler/friend and I made a plan. My bench had progressed the most so we decided to focus on that. My plan was to take it easy on squats, hit a small PR if possible, put it all into my bench and then go for broke on my deadlift, which of the 3 lifts needs the most work. And that’s what we did! I hit a 275 lbs squat, which is a 5 lbs PR and then went on to hit a 154 lbs bench press which is more weight than I’ve ever touched on bench. It was only a 6lbs PR but it’s the bench press so that is a lot! By the end of bench I was 6 for 6 and on top of the world! After watching Jenn Rotsinger and Trevor Jaffe go head to head on deadlifts for charity, I was fired up! We decided to change my deadlift opener, which was a good idea. The not so great idea was going up 40 lbs for my second attempt. Again, my deadlift has always been my weak point, leverages… but I was going for it. Second attempt got to my knees but nothing passed that, so I went for it again on my third.

I’ve never grinded out anything. I usually let go. I always sike myself out. I was determined to get this weight up. I tried my best. But my strength was not there. I walked off the stage in tears. I was embarrassed and I was upset. I wanted this so bad! I called Corey who was watching on the live stream, and he said, “babe, you did it!!” I thought the stream went out or something because clearly I had not done it! He said, “you wanted to leave it all on the platform and you did!!!” I cried some more, almost blubbered but he was right! For once in my career as a powerlifter, I failed, not because of a missed call and not because I gave up. I gave it my all!

Life PRs are tougher than gym or meet PRs. They don’t feel as good while they are happening. They feel heavier than any amount of 45 lbs plates on your back and they practically crush you but once you’ve gotten them, they are so much more rewarding. I may have initially walked off the stage like a baby but I was happy. I did what I came to do. I left it all on the platform. (I even got 3rd place in my weight class!) I learned a lot about myself that day. I learned that I CAN DO IT! I learned that I have an incredible team of people and friends that support me, even when I’m crazy, neurotic and controlling and I remembered why I love this sport. The highs and lows are a part of the fun. But more importantly, it’s the people, the meet director’s, their support staff, the audience and the athletes that make it awesome!!

If you are contemplating whether you should enter your first meet, stop! Just do it!! And I hope to see more of you ladies at next year’s The Jenn!